If you are a loser…..

“If you are a loser outside the ring, no matter what you do in it, you are still a loser.” These are words given to me by one of the 1st trainers that ever cared about me. Up until that point in my life, competing was about winning at all costs. Winning was not a passion, it was an obsession.

When I was 21 all I wanted was a world championship. At 34 I still don’t have one. This killed me in my 20’s. I even came close at 27 when I took 2nd at the Koshiki Karate World Championships in Australia. It is still my most memorable achievement. I am proud of my effort but shocked at what I did to myself to achieve this goal. At 34 without a title I am satisfied with the battles I have fought. I have trained a few world champions and plan on more. My students have done things I never could and that makes me happier and with a sense of accomplishment greater then I have ever felt before.

I knew I was going to Australia 6 months before I left. I was 1 of 2 Americans invited to participate. This was my time to show the world what I was made of. For 6 months I killed myself to get ready.

I ran 6 days a week at 5 am. I called it my 5 at 5. I can remember plenty of days I didn’t even wake up till half way thru the run. After that I would hit the gym and lift for an hour before I had to go to work. I worked from 9 am to 5 pm then ran to the dojo to teach class. I would teach until 8 then train with who was willing to stay until 9 or 10 pm. On Wednesday nights I drove to a friends dojo straight from work and did an hour of Karate then an hour of Judo. After that I would drive another hour north to another dojo to do Koshiki style sparring for an hour or more.

I had a traditional teacher on Wednesday nights who I had to take out for food and drinks after training. This lead to me driving home at 2 or 3 most Thursday mornings. No matter what I still got up at 5 and ran my 5 miles. I would sneak naps at work throughout the day to try and stay alive!

The rings under my eyes black like what baseball players put on for glare. I was always tired and irritable due to my constant state of fatigue and soreness. This lasted for 6 months. I think the only break I took was the 18 hour flight from California to Sydney!

I arrived in Australia in shape like never before. I was battered and kind of broken from training but I was hard. Mentally and physically hard. Nothing was getting in my way. I wanted to win at all costs.

For 3 days I fought with everything I had. I beat people from all over the globe. My 1st opponent was from Spain and my last was from Australia. I fought people from 9 other countries and beat all of them except one.

I don’t think I was ever broken in my whole life as I was the last day of competition. My trainer had to help me out of bed in the morning and practically carry me to the toilet. My legs were a mess. My hands were bloodied and battered. My head hurt like nothing I can explain. If I didn’t torture myself in training like I did I don’t think would have made it thru.

The final day had 3 more fights in front of me. I made it thru the 1st no problem. The 2nd was rather hard. I faced the current All Japan Champ for Koshiki. When he realized I was winning he hit me in the groin 3 times. He was penalized 2 times and 1 was not seen but I sure did feel it. A kick to the head towards the end of the fight sealed the win for me and moved me into the finals.

I was pitted against Australia’s last chance for a gold medal. Up until my division the Australians were knocked out early after talking lots of gold talk before the event. The international rules stated that the judges had to be from multiple countries. For my match the judging crew was changed illegally to an all Australian crew. People objected but the governing body was dominated by Aussies.

My final fight was a brawl. I threw down with everything I had left and my opponent did the same. We both hurt each other early but kept rallying back for more. It was a 3 round affair that had us even going into the final round. My conditioning held strong while my opponent started to wilt. I hit this guy with everything I had and started to pull ahead. The final minute came and my chances to win a world title ended with 2 groin kicks and a throat punch. All illegal blows were overlooked and 1 groin kick was scored a knockdown.

After the final bell my opponent was awarded the decision. I walked out of the ring on my own 2 feet while my opponent was carried out by his corner people. I knew I was screwed and so did the crowd. People thru objects into the ring and voiced their disapproval. Coaches from other countries rushed the officials and protested. For me I didn’t care. It was over and I lost. I walked straight from the ring to the back loading bay of the casino we fought at. I screamed as loud as I could then broke up a pile of debris. Throwing wood and garbage around until my anger subsided. I composed myself and walked back in to face the reality of my result.

I have not been one to throw to many tantrums in public over results. That is why I went out back and flipped out in private. This was not the 1st time I felt screwed by officials and it wouldn’t be my last. It is part of the game when you let judges decide your fate. Maybe another round and I could have finished the guy but today I had to deal with defeat even tho I knew I won.

I had to stand on the podium and listen to the Aussie national anthem while glaring at my opponent who won by efforts not his own. He never did look me in the eye after that fight or give me a chance to fight him again. He changed weight classes so we wouldn’t dance again. He knew what I would do to him and he wanted no part of it.

In the end I broke my body for a piece of silver and a nice time in Australia. When I went home I was faced with the life I left behind for 6 months so I could train. I had to reconnect with the people I stopped calling due to my extreme training and see if I still had a job after being in Australia for 9 weeks. It wasn’t easy coming home. I had a broken right hand, sprained left hand, cracked right shin, and a bad concussion.

The hardest reality of my life at that time was that I was one of the only people who cared about what I achieved. My Mom was happy but cared more about my work situation. My father really didn’t care at all. I didn’t have my friends after being away for so long. My girl left me for someone who gave her the time I wouldn’t or couldn’t. Even the dojo I was training at didn’t care so much because the owners didn’t like that I was gone for so long. They bad mouthed me while I was away and down played the event I was fighting at.

I just went from being at the top of my game to the loneliest time in my life. Winning or coming close to winning meant nothing without people around me to share it with. The small group that helped me train looked at me like I was a hero but everyone else could care less. It hurt but it taught me that life is much more then my own personal goals.

Australia was the best thing that I have ever experienced as a fighter. It let me know how tough I really could be and it forced me to realize that I needed balance. I also gained the confidence to strike out on my own and start a new dojo.

Dreams are really important to have but they can’t be it. Reality is more then ideas. It involves people besides yourself. You need to honor those around you while you find success for yourself. Without people to work with and share our experiences, we really are nothing.

I am writing what I am writing and teaching the things I do because of the experiences I had working to find my own way. Without the struggles of my past and those still to come I wouldn’t have the knowledge that I do. If you take anything from what I have to say I hope you come to realize that to struggle is to live. It is the hardest journeys that bring the most rewarding results. Don’t make things hard to just be hard but live strong and face the challenges that come your way knowing that the journey is the reward.